Corona Diaries 3-31-2020

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After the post I put up last night I knew I needed to sit down and get my brains straightened out. So, I did…

 

I actually took out my journal and began to make a sort of list. I needed to put things into perspective for my own mental health and I wanted to share it with you in the hope it may help you also.  T will stand for “Thought” and CT will stand for Counter Thought. This is a trick I learned to help me recover from severe anxiety disorder years ago and it does work.  Here is what I wrote last night :

T – This may very well kill those I love.

CT – Those I love including myself could die at any time for any number of reasons. You’ve learned that hard lesson too many times since childhood. Stop forgetting it but don’t obsess over it either.

T – This plague is killing thousands of people every day, we are surrounded by death.

CT – Influenza kills thousands of people every year. Every day we are surrounded by death we just don’t hear a lot about it.

T – This plague is so much more contagious than Influenza.

CT – Is it really? As of right now it seems to spread in the exact same way.

T – What have I touched? Have you disinfected enough? Did you do it correctly? Are you washing your hands enough?

CT – I remember as much as possible what and who I’ve come in contact with.  I have done my best to disinfect everything I can the way I know how. I wash my hands as I’ve been taught.

Conclusion : I am doing the best I can and asking God for His help. I am trying the best I can to do what I know and to leave all those I love and myself in Gods hands. No one can ask anymore than that from me not even myself.

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Corona Diaries 3-24-2020

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Well, it’s been a day…..

Still feeling uneasy. Okay, a bit more than uneasy. Spoke to a family member who is in New Jersey. All my family members other than my husband are still in New Jersey and unfortunately they are right next to New York City in a county that is being hard hit by the virus. I am scared for us and for them. They were going to have a get together this weekend for a birthday but thanks be to God my brother had enough sense to put that idea right out the window. Both my nephews are police officers and one of them is an officer in a major city. The conversation with my brother today was sobering to say the least.

He told me it’s really bad up there and he is trying to accept that it is possible one of us will be killed by this. I hated to talk about this but in a way, God forbid (prays) he could be right.

Then this morning my husbands feet decided to start swelling up. He has Congestive Heart Failure. His feet haven’t swelled in months. It has to start now?

For as much as he and I have talked about this virus and the precautions we need to take my husband had a major lapse in common sense this afternoon. In all honesty, I was so angry at him. He was not thinking, at all! We are having trouble with our cable router. So he decides to call the cable company and then make an appointment for a tech to come to our house this afternoon to replace it. I almost went through the roof. He actually sat there trying to convince me it would be okay. When I got frustrated enough by his stupidity I walked away to take a breath. About an hour later I told him. You HAVE to cancel that appointment and do it now. I do NOT want ANYONE coming into this house. You’re not thinking. This tech whoever they are has been in countless homes, in contact with countless people and you want him to come here? Are you seriously risking our lives for a cable modem? It can wait! Well, I think my yelling snapped him back to common sense because he agreed and cancelled it.. It wasn’t what I needed today..

Then this morning I went on Facebook and learned a man who works for EWTN for many years, written many books and has been a very big help to me personally is in the ICU with Coronavirus, his wife Stephanie is quarantined at home. Dan was born with lung disease so this is devastating. Please I beg of you, pray Dan and his wife pull through this.

Tonight I decided I will make a pick up order for food at FoodLion tomorrow. I sat down and mapped out how I would do this as cleanly as possible. From getting the groceries home, to getting them in the house and put away. I opened the app, put my items in the cart and went to check out. My card kept getting declined. So I go over to my banking app and see the CASH deposit I made yesterday is missing! I checked last night and it was in my account and available but yet tonight it was just, gone. It is all the money we have left for this month.

I called the bank and after being on hold for almost forty minutes the girl repeatedly says to me “I understand your concern we will open a claim and it should be resolved in two to three days”.. That was it. I hit my breaking point. I said to her, “You do NOT understand my concern. YOU have my money. It was CASH. I have the RECEIPT. It’s all the money I HAVE. I have to buy FOOD. I can NOT and WILL not wait two to three days to find out how you LOST my money. I need my money NOW.”

She then tells me it would be best if I went back to the branch office in my town. I blew. I said, “NO! We are in the middle of a pandemic or have you not been keeping up? I am high risk, I am pretty much sheltering in place. I didn’t even go INSIDE yesterday! YOU need to fix this RIGHT NOW”…

She put me on hold for what seemed like another forty minutes, when she comes back to the line it seems, while I was on hold my deposit just happened to “suddenly show up again and was now available.”..

I said to my husband, all day long my anxiety has been tested. I am exhausted. I can’t take many more days like this and it’s only just beginning here in my state…

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Corona Diaries 3-23-2020

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I have to admit, last night my anxiety meter went a bit high with this virus. There is SO much information just everywhere you look. You seriously can’t get away from it unless you choose too.

That’s what I did for the better part of this day. Today is Monday and in my house Monday’s mean my friend comes to help me with the cleaning. She and I sat down at the table this morning and had a good talk about what the near future might hold with her coming over. It’s a tough situation because for one, I need her help. She does the heavy cleaning that my body just won’t do which is basically all of it. For another reason, and one which means a ton to her, she is self employed. She doesn’t have employees or anything like that, she works for herself cleaning people’s homes. If she doesn’t work she has no income and if she has no income she doesn’t eat.

She also has the responsibility of her elderly mother who is not in good health. So there’s a lot to think about. But then, there is the elephant in the room. Yes, the virus. So like all people we sat and scratched our heads just wondering what we should do about this.

My husband and I spoke about it the other day and so I relayed to her what we spoke about. If at any time I feel, or my husband feels, or she feels uncomfortable coming over, or one of should not feel well for whatever reason then she won’t come until things clear up. At the same time though we will still pay her like we do every week.

Now before you get it in your mind that we have a ton of money let me just dispel that thought right now. We do NOT have a ton of money. We live on a fixed income and because she is a kind, caring soul, she does not charge us very much for what she does. Also, because her help to us is so important to us, we put her on the monthly budget every month. Paying her is as important to us as paying our mortgage or car payment. We need our house, we need our car and we need her.

Everyone’s priorities of what they need are different. These are just some of ours. SO how are we able to still pay her living on a fixed income? Firstly, the money we pay her is always put aside the first of every month. If she were still coming to clean we would be paying her anyway. Secondly and most important, this is a bad time for people in the whole world. We have no idea what will happen from hour to hour, day to day. Will we get sick? Will someone we love get sick? Will we, they survive? Will we not get sick? No one knows the answers to these questions. As I said above, if she does not get paid she does not eat and she has others to worry about so it’s not just herself. We HAVE to help each other and since I would be paying her anyway if this was not happening in the world, I would continue to pay her so she has some kind of money coming in. It may not be much but it’s something.

We still don’t know if this will happen but if it does I wanted her to know she doesn’t have to worry about pay, at least not from us. It’s early here while I’m writing this tonight. A little after seven pm but I am not feeling well. No, I don’t believe I have the virus, I have many nights and days where I don’t feel well because of my own poor health and how I physically feel changes from day to day as well as severity. So I am actually resting in bed with a book that I am desperately trying to read about simple living. Hoping it will get my mind off things and help me to relax because it feels pretty bad when you physically feel unwell and anxious at the same time.

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