Corona Diaries 3-31-2020

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After the post I put up last night I knew I needed to sit down and get my brains straightened out. So, I did…

 

I actually took out my journal and began to make a sort of list. I needed to put things into perspective for my own mental health and I wanted to share it with you in the hope it may help you also.  T will stand for “Thought” and CT will stand for Counter Thought. This is a trick I learned to help me recover from severe anxiety disorder years ago and it does work.  Here is what I wrote last night :

T – This may very well kill those I love.

CT – Those I love including myself could die at any time for any number of reasons. You’ve learned that hard lesson too many times since childhood. Stop forgetting it but don’t obsess over it either.

T – This plague is killing thousands of people every day, we are surrounded by death.

CT – Influenza kills thousands of people every year. Every day we are surrounded by death we just don’t hear a lot about it.

T – This plague is so much more contagious than Influenza.

CT – Is it really? As of right now it seems to spread in the exact same way.

T – What have I touched? Have you disinfected enough? Did you do it correctly? Are you washing your hands enough?

CT – I remember as much as possible what and who I’ve come in contact with.  I have done my best to disinfect everything I can the way I know how. I wash my hands as I’ve been taught.

Conclusion : I am doing the best I can and asking God for His help. I am trying the best I can to do what I know and to leave all those I love and myself in Gods hands. No one can ask anymore than that from me not even myself.

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Corona Diaries 3-24-2020

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Well, it’s been a day…..

Still feeling uneasy. Okay, a bit more than uneasy. Spoke to a family member who is in New Jersey. All my family members other than my husband are still in New Jersey and unfortunately they are right next to New York City in a county that is being hard hit by the virus. I am scared for us and for them. They were going to have a get together this weekend for a birthday but thanks be to God my brother had enough sense to put that idea right out the window. Both my nephews are police officers and one of them is an officer in a major city. The conversation with my brother today was sobering to say the least.

He told me it’s really bad up there and he is trying to accept that it is possible one of us will be killed by this. I hated to talk about this but in a way, God forbid (prays) he could be right.

Then this morning my husbands feet decided to start swelling up. He has Congestive Heart Failure. His feet haven’t swelled in months. It has to start now?

For as much as he and I have talked about this virus and the precautions we need to take my husband had a major lapse in common sense this afternoon. In all honesty, I was so angry at him. He was not thinking, at all! We are having trouble with our cable router. So he decides to call the cable company and then make an appointment for a tech to come to our house this afternoon to replace it. I almost went through the roof. He actually sat there trying to convince me it would be okay. When I got frustrated enough by his stupidity I walked away to take a breath. About an hour later I told him. You HAVE to cancel that appointment and do it now. I do NOT want ANYONE coming into this house. You’re not thinking. This tech whoever they are has been in countless homes, in contact with countless people and you want him to come here? Are you seriously risking our lives for a cable modem? It can wait! Well, I think my yelling snapped him back to common sense because he agreed and cancelled it.. It wasn’t what I needed today..

Then this morning I went on Facebook and learned a man who works for EWTN for many years, written many books and has been a very big help to me personally is in the ICU with Coronavirus, his wife Stephanie is quarantined at home. Dan was born with lung disease so this is devastating. Please I beg of you, pray Dan and his wife pull through this.

Tonight I decided I will make a pick up order for food at FoodLion tomorrow. I sat down and mapped out how I would do this as cleanly as possible. From getting the groceries home, to getting them in the house and put away. I opened the app, put my items in the cart and went to check out. My card kept getting declined. So I go over to my banking app and see the CASH deposit I made yesterday is missing! I checked last night and it was in my account and available but yet tonight it was just, gone. It is all the money we have left for this month.

I called the bank and after being on hold for almost forty minutes the girl repeatedly says to me “I understand your concern we will open a claim and it should be resolved in two to three days”.. That was it. I hit my breaking point. I said to her, “You do NOT understand my concern. YOU have my money. It was CASH. I have the RECEIPT. It’s all the money I HAVE. I have to buy FOOD. I can NOT and WILL not wait two to three days to find out how you LOST my money. I need my money NOW.”

She then tells me it would be best if I went back to the branch office in my town. I blew. I said, “NO! We are in the middle of a pandemic or have you not been keeping up? I am high risk, I am pretty much sheltering in place. I didn’t even go INSIDE yesterday! YOU need to fix this RIGHT NOW”…

She put me on hold for what seemed like another forty minutes, when she comes back to the line it seems, while I was on hold my deposit just happened to “suddenly show up again and was now available.”..

I said to my husband, all day long my anxiety has been tested. I am exhausted. I can’t take many more days like this and it’s only just beginning here in my state…

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Accountability Sucks

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Yes, yes it does but, it’s finally here. For me anyway.. I’m about to share something with you all that not many people know. It makes me very vulnerable but, I feel if maybe I write about it, it will help me.

Do you know any emotional spenders? Are you an emotional spender? Yes, that’s me sitting quietly in the back of the room with my hands waving in the air like a nitwit. I am a horrible emotional spender. It began for me when my mom passed away in 1999. Since then, I’ve been out of control with spending. Now mind you, we do not and never have had much money to spend but hey, what’s another credit card balance right? Meanwhile, I have priorities like health, home, etc that keep getting put by the way side because of my ’emotional spending’.

I will tell you the reasons why I’ve done this recently, yet again and no I am not using them as an excuse but they are simply the truth. Once again, I’ve gotten myself in trouble with credit cards due to emotions such as depression and anxiety. And what causes those for me? My husband has some serious health issue’s with his heart now in addition to his spine which I am afraid in a few years he may end up in a wheelchair if, his heart allows him to get there. So right there that is a HUGE anxiety producer for me like, every…..single….day.. I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on my shoulders.

Then there is my own health. I have had health issue’s going back to my early twenties and more recently (like a yr ago) I’ve been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and just this past month  I had to have two skin biopsies on the back of my leg. One by my M.D. and one by a surgeon.  Both biopsies came back as a “pre-cancerous malignant squamous cell skin cancer”.. Yes, I was feeling the pressure, anxiety and fear very heavily. As of today I just made an appointment with a dermatologist  I will see in May because I have marks, they look like beauty marks all over me (I’m hoping they are age spots and nothing more) and to be perfectly honest with you, I’m a little freaked out now. I want to have them looked at.

In February, I came damn near closed to losing my husband to bi-lateral pneumonia from the flu complicated by congestive heart failure. He was on a breathing ventilator in ICU then in a step down room for seven days. We are now in April and his lung capacity still isn’t good and he’s still dealing with shortness of breath here and there on top of the edema he deals with every day in his feet, ankles calves and sometimes belly. Just this past week he was diagnosed with sleep apnea to add to this list and we are awaiting the fitting for his CPAP machine.

Last week, I was shocked to learn in the very early morning hours a woman I loved very much who had been battling the flu for two weeks suddenly died in her sleep and yes, that threw me for a good loop. I still can’t think about it much. More anxiety.

Since almost losing my husband in February for the second time in eighteen months I have not felt well. I am constantly tired and each day when I wake, I pray the Lord to give me the strength to get out of bed and take care of my husband, my home, my dogs, our needs and I can tell you, it is more than a struggle to get up every morning because my body feels like that of an eighty-eight year old instead of a forty-eight year old.

So I admit it..Between March & April I took our credit cards that were paid off and I spent and I spent and I spent . As of that was going to make ANY of this better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down this road. And it is a road. It’s a road  you run to in order to run away from everything you can no longer handle emotionally.          Am I ever going to learn? I am beginning to.

As of tonight, I am staring at a mountain of debt on a fixed income and I have realized that this is all my fault. Not only have I put us so behind financially, what’s worse is, I have taken the gift that God has given us and once again abused it. Yes, money is a gift from God I don’t care where you get it from or how you make it. It’s a gift that many don’t have.

I sat down earlier, I opened up my planner (yes I have one, always have. It’s very simple and functional) on each page of my weekly spread at the top I wrote, “Money is a gift from God, use it wisely.” That’s so I can see it every day because if I do I won’t abuse it. Why? Because even though our needs are extremely important to me, the fact that I have offended my God who loves me so much hurts even more.

Next, in the back of my planner I listed all credit accounts and their current balances. It was enough to make me want to vomit. I will look at this each and every time I get some stupid idea in my head to want to buy something I truly do not need.

I think, by the grace of God I am FINALLY at forty-eight taking accountability for myself and my actions. Hey, some of us learn late, I’m just grateful to God that I am learning. Please pray for us.

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