A Heart Crying Out


You saw the title of the this post, never thought I’d find myself here but, here I am.

For those who don’t know I am Catholic. If you’ve paid attention to any kind of news in the last two years then you know the hierarchy in my church has become a cesspool from the top straight on down to the bottom. For those of us who love our ancient Catholic Faith and the Lords Church this has affected us deeply. Some it has completely destroyed.

As for me, I’m hanging on. By a thin thread but I’m hanging on. I am deeply hurt to say the least. I have so many thoughts about my faith that I can’t contain them all in my head anymore. I thought maybe if I blogged about them it might help? I don’t know. 

Let me say, I love, love my Catholic Faith and I love, love the ancient teachings and traditions of the Catholic Church. It is, the One True Church. The bride of Christ. I will not leave her but I would be lying if I said I am not struggling, deeply. To the point I feel almost completely lost. 

Another thing I want to point out, even though there is massive corruption on every scale, we DO have a very few truly, humble, holy, faithful Cardinals to name a few, Cardinal Burke, Cardinal Sarah, a very few humble, holy, faithful Bishops. To name a few, Archbishop Athanasius Schneider, Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano. We have many holy, humble, faithful Priests although sadly, now, they are extremely hard to find.

The state of the Church is like the state of my country. Divided. Deeply. Right now in the Catholic Church there are actually two Churches. One of which is made up of faithful, tradition, Catholics obedient to the Word of God and His Laws and the other church where they are trying to destroy everything that has stood for over two thousand years and make the Church into mans image not Gods image.

Tragically, many in the priesthood regardless of rank and many of the laity have fallen for the church of the father of lies and they want to destroy those of us who haven’t and refuse to. Only by the grace of God that is.

For myself, I’m confused. I have not lost my faith in the Lord. I have however lost my trust in the men who run our Church. They can not be trusted and worse yet, you don’t know who to trust. Every day for the last twenty four months more and more keeps coming out about more corruption on levels I can’t even process. This has I must admit dimmed my light. I understand that all of this must come to the forefront if it is to be destroyed, and we must always hope in the Lord no matter what but I can’t say I have not been discouraged because I have. 

For me, this massive, massive crisis in the Church (Cdl. Wherl reference) has my heart torn apart. It’s killing me and it’s killing me because I love the Catholic Faith so much. Then there is the Mass. Up until fifty years ago we had the Latin Mass which is the Mass of the Ages. That has been stolen from us, they, those who are trying to destroy the Church from within have stolen the beauty of our Faith, the Ancient Traditions. They have raped the bride of Christ, stripped her and are very close to leaving an empty shell. 

I know in the my heart the Latin Mass is the right Mass. It is, the Mass of the Ages. I have only attended the Novus Ordo Mass because I was born after Vatican II but I am having more than a hard time attending this Mass anymore. I know it isn’t right. At the same time, I do not want to stay away because to stay away from the only Mass I have in my area would be to stay away from the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament which to me is life itself. 

Over the last few months I have found myself giving into laziness and the things of this world. Putting them above God. Such as social media, watching, TV or working on a hobby instead of reading Scripture, praying, going to Mass, Confession etc. I am becoming like the rest of the world. Luke warm, maybe even cold? I do not want it to be this way. 

So you see, I am hurt and I am confused. If you have read this post thank you. I am sure this will not be interesting to many if anyone at all but on the slim chance you did read it, please pray for me. I need all the help I can get at the moment. 


It’s 2020! Updates!


My goodness! I just looked at the date of my last post….

Hello out there! Anyone still here? I can’t believe the last time I posted was October of 2019 and we are now into January of 2020. Where does the time go?

In all seriousness, I did want to stop in and say hello, let you know what’s been happening with me and why I’ve been away so long and tell you what I’d like to do this year.

So where have I been? Busy, sick, busy.. You know how it goes. Actually, I’ve been too busy in too many ways. October and November were crazy busy because my Mr. has had a spinal cord stimulator implanted in his spine. He had the first surgery the last week of September for the trial implant and then a week later which was the first week of October he had the permanent surgery. There was a lot of healing, a lot of helping I needed to do and lots of doctor appointments. Truthfully, by the time my day was done I was just too tired to write. 

Healing and helping my husband took up pretty much all of October and November. And my Mr got sick towards the end of November with some kind of stomach bug. Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. Then there was Thanksgiving, yes I cooked and of course then Christmas was coming. I was working my fingers to the bone creating crochet gifts for family.

Two days after Christmas I got sick. Boy, did I get sick! It began with the flu which I am almost positive was Type B. I did not get tested but I knew it was the flu as I’ve had it before but this time it was exceptionally brutal. A day or so after I got the flu I also got Bronchitis and a Sinus infection. Merry Christmas!

I can honestly say I do not remember ever being that sick since the early 1990’s when I contracted Lyme Disease and two other tick infections. It would be an understatement to say I was afraid for my life. I ran fever close to 103, my brain felt like it was in a frying pan. More than likely I should have been in the hospital but I was unsure which was the lesser of two evils. Staying home or being admitted. There are so many cases of this flu here with secondary and third infections in my area, something in my gut kept telling me to stay home. 

I was in bed for thirteen days before I could get up on my feet for any length of time which was approximately an hour before I had to lay down again. My Mr took very good care of me but unfortunately he began to get sick a few days before New Years. I am very grateful he did not get the flu but he did get an upper respiratory infection along with the sinus infection. We are both still on antibiotics, round two for both of us but we are on the mend thanks be to God. I still have my cough though and it doesn’t seem to want to go away. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning so I guess I”ll learn more then. 

As you can see it’s been a busy few months. As for what I’d like to do,  I want to seriously revamp my blog and also get very serious about posting a few times a week. Blogging used to be like therapy for me. I found it very peaceful and right now I can use all the peace I can grab onto. I will write more about that at a later time.

So that’s it folks. That’s where I’ve been and where I’d like to go. I want to thank all of you who stuck with me through my blog dry spell and I hope you’ll continue to come visit me. 


Yes, I have it.

Like clockwork, every…..single…….month…….

It’s that time of the month again, sorry gentlemen but yaknow, it’s real life.. I’m forty-eight I thought by now I’d be close to finishing with the PMS.. You ladies understand what I’m talking about don’t you?.. I mean, c’mon!!

I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll ladies but for me, once a month I get weepy now, and real philosophical.. I climb into my my own thoughts and boy, do I think! The last few months my deep thinking has been about social media and my use of it..or should I say my, wasting time on it..I’ve grappled with this for a long time now and I can’t believe I have finally been able to admit to myself WHY I’ve grappled with it for so long.. 

I have it.. Yep, I definitely have it. I have denied I’ve had it for almost two years or more. I have been in denial because oh, “I’m not like them”. “I’m stronger than those kind of people.” You know the ones I mean. Attached at the ear to the phone. Always scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.. Yeah, those kind of people.

Guess what? I AM like those people. I AM one of those people. I have… FOMO!! I still can’t wrap my head around it. In case you don’t know what “FOMO” is it means, Fear Of Missing Out.. But tell me, WHAT AM I MISSING OUT ON? After sitting here today thinking about this on and off all day and I do mean…..all day… Yes it’s that time of the month, I realized also, I’m not missing out on anything.

Before I joined social media which by the way I fought against for about four years, I didn’t think I was missing out on anything. I filled my time actually doing things. Even if it was sitting down reading a book, watching an old black and white movie, crocheting something or just laying down listening to all the bugs at night that make those cool and relaxing sounds that God gave them to make. 

I WANT TO GO BACK THERE.. But, the only way I can do that is by taking control of what I consume and how much of it I consume. I believe I am finally at a place where I am ready to take control of the social media monster. I don’t believe I will leave it totally but the endless hours of scrolling, scrolling, scrolling until my eyes are cross eyed are over for me. I will be blogging more, YouTubing less, I will be putting much more into my blog and maybe Instagram and much, much less time scrolling brain dead through Facebook and Twitter.. 

I guess being forty-eight and still dealing with PMS can be good for something…..

It’s Not Good

I have been really trying to keep myself in denial about this year being a bad one but I can’t do that anymore. 

I have had so many friends and acquaintances tell me here and there in our conversations that this year has been horrible for them. In my mind I keep saying, it’s not been that bad. It’s been good for us. I was happily keeping myself in denial refusing to look at it as bad but the truth is, it’s been a bad year and it’s only half way over. That thought in itself makes me shudder…

I almost lost my husband in February of the this year to bi-lateral pneumonia. He had to be put on a breathing ventilator, he was in ICU and had a seven day hospital stay. It was horrific but, my mind recovered from that somewhat or, I just decided to not think about it and so I’ve been carrying on. 

I lost a good friend unexpectedly on my birthday to sudden heart attack and then two weeks later I had a devastating loss. A young woman whom I loved more like a daughter was killed in a horrific car wreck caused by a drunk driver. It took me a bit to be able to move forward after that. In between all this my husband has had some health issue’s as well and in May we had to put our dog Jake down after thirteen years..

The last month or so has been relatively quiet but like a lot of people I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then one night I realized that life is nothing but peaks and valleys. Peaks are the good times and the valleys are the times that test everything we believe, everything we think we are it can test our very lives. It seems for us anyway, we have more valleys than peaks and I thought to myself, “better enjoy this peak because sooner or later you’re going to find yourself back in a valley again”

And so it is.. Back in a valley again. For those of you who have been around my blog or YouTube channel for sometime know of my best friend Linda. We have a pretty large age gap of twenty nine years, we do not agree on anything politically…at …..all but despite these things, Linda and are like peas and carrots. She is and has been the Ethel to my Lucy. I even bought her a coffee cup that says just that!… We have been very close friends for the last thirteen years.

On Wednesday July 11th, Linda was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. And now that I’ve typed that out I”m sitting here looking at the blinking cursor unsure of what comes next. She doesn’t see the oncologist until July 31st and I am trying to glean some sort of hope out of that thinking that if it were ‘that bad’ she would be in the oncology office much sooner than that but, that still small voice also tells me that, that is false hope. Small cell lung cancer is bad, prognosis is bad no matter how you look at it. We don’t know what stage it is yet but it seems that everything I’ve read, it really doesn’t matter. The prognosis, with or without treatment is just, well….bad. 

I am worried about her, I’m worried about her husband Bill, I”m worried about what the next few months will bring.

I am also worried about my husband, that’s a whole other post and I will get to that. Right now I am just trying to process this and I thought I was doing well with it until this morning. I think the reality of this is beginning to set in and it’s, ugly.

Please pray for my bestie Linda and her husband Bill. Ask the Lord to guide them and help them make the the toughest decisions they will ever have to make in the next few months.

As for 2018, Is it a bad year? I guess so. I’ve been happily walking around in a cloud of denial for so many reasons all year but I’m being pulled out of my happy little cloud. I need to cling to the Lord because when I think about all the people I love, everything I am blessed with, in the end, He is all I have.. Please pray that I can be the good wife and the good friend that I have been but need to be even more so now..

A Week Off

I still can’t believe it but it finally happened.

 Me and the Mr finally had a week off from doctor visits. I can’t tell you the last time we didn’t have at least one doctor visit per week sometimes two. Although, if Mr’s doctor was any good we would have been back in there this week. I’ll explain that a little ways down in this post. 

I did have to go out one day this week to get our produce for the week and put gas in the car. My goodness gas is so HIGH. I mean seriously, I don’t get it.. Why is it so high? Here in the South we are now at an average of almost $2.70 a gallon which, it may be higher in other parts of the country but that’s high for here and while the economy may be doing well, for us poor folk it’s the same. No money and can barely afford to pay bills and gas up the car. 

I wanted to do a lot more around the house this week than I did. I haven’t physically felt well all week and I attribute that to my hormones. Ah, the joys of being an ‘older female’. I have many de-cluttering projects on my list. Yes, I’m a list maker. Without my lists I’d forget everything even if it were staring me in the face. We just have so much “stuff”. From small stuff to large stuff and I want it gone. Can’t stand looking at it or moving it anymore. I did manage to clean out one drawer so far so I guess that’s something. 

So what’s the story with my Mr and his doctor. A few months back my Mr found three lumps in his right breast tissue. At the time the doctor said it was Mastitis. That diagnosis hasn’t sat well with me but he gave Mr some antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory. It ‘seemed’ these lumps were beginning to shrink but they weren’t gone so two Monday’s ago he refilled the same meds and told us that we don’t really have anything to worry about unless they get bigger. 

Okay so we just have to keep an eye on them about getting bigger. What he didn’t talk about was, what do we do if there’s MORE? Yes, last week Mr found three more in the same breast tissue and he also has one on his bicep near his tattoo. I have called that damn doctors office THREE times. No return call. 

On Monday I will call again and demand he been seen right now and at the same time I am calling to see if I can get him a new doctor. So once again, I am worried, anxious, afraid. I have no idea what this could be. It could be breast cancer (yes men can get breast cancer) it could be Lymphoma, it could be fatty tumors it could be anything at this point but I am frustrated as hell at his doctor. I want to know what it is and what can be done about it. 

So this was my week. A little scary and a bit boring but you know, I have always said, boring is better because most of my life it’s been chaotic so anytime I can have boring I am grateful for it..