When The Past Becomes Present


I really don’t want to go backwards. Like many of us there are things and people I would rather not revisit in my older years. Some have specific reasons, others do not.

A week or so ago I had someone from my past make themselves present. An old, old friend who because of time and life itself is now more an acquaintance than anything else. As we grow older we change, all of us do and when you haven’t seen or spoken to someone in many years you truly no longer know that person as you once did.

When we were teenagers we were very close friends along the lines of brother and sister. We reconnected through Facebook somewhere around five years ago and it didn’t go well. I had grown up and changed and so had he. Before we go any further, I said it’s a he. Let me answer the question in your mind, No, there was never any kind of romantic involvement. We were truly just good teenage friends.

Our re-connection five years ago showed how very, very different we are as grown adults. Because of this the “friendship’ ended on a sour note and I thought nothing else about it since that time. Fast forward to last week. I received a message from this person on Facebook and I hesitated to answer for twenty four hours. I then began to feel guilty. Why guilt? Well because I’m a Christian and we are not supposed to turn our backs on anyone so I answered my old friend and then I gave permission for a phone call. During the phone call he told me he loved me and I said I love you too. Remember, this kind of love is friend love, not romantic love.

Truth is, while I do feel sad for the stuff he’s going through, eighty percent of it is his own doing and with all that  I have in my own life with my own poor health, my husbands health, our financial issue’s, my dogs, my home, my extended family I really, really do not need nor want people in my life who are one hundred percent negative and one hundred percent drama all the time. I was contacted by him again two days ago asking me when would be a good time to call and I never answered. I just do not want to go back there. My gut is screaming at me not to get involved again. My mother always taught me, “follow your gut” but at the same time in this situation I also feel guilty. I love him as I love others but sometimes just because you love someone doesn’t mean you need to involve yourself in something knee deep that you know will only hurt you in one way or another.

What would you do? What is your advice?



A Heart Crying Out


You saw the title of the this post, never thought I’d find myself here but, here I am.

For those who don’t know I am Catholic. If you’ve paid attention to any kind of news in the last two years then you know the hierarchy in my church has become a cesspool from the top straight on down to the bottom. For those of us who love our ancient Catholic Faith and the Lords Church this has affected us deeply. Some it has completely destroyed.

As for me, I’m hanging on. By a thin thread but I’m hanging on. I am deeply hurt to say the least. I have so many thoughts about my faith that I can’t contain them all in my head anymore. I thought maybe if I blogged about them it might help? I don’t know. 

Let me say, I love, love my Catholic Faith and I love, love the ancient teachings and traditions of the Catholic Church. It is, the One True Church. The bride of Christ. I will not leave her but I would be lying if I said I am not struggling, deeply. To the point I feel almost completely lost. 

Another thing I want to point out, even though there is massive corruption on every scale, we DO have a very few truly, humble, holy, faithful Cardinals to name a few, Cardinal Burke, Cardinal Sarah, a very few humble, holy, faithful Bishops. To name a few, Archbishop Athanasius Schneider, Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano. We have many holy, humble, faithful Priests although sadly, now, they are extremely hard to find.

The state of the Church is like the state of my country. Divided. Deeply. Right now in the Catholic Church there are actually two Churches. One of which is made up of faithful, tradition, Catholics obedient to the Word of God and His Laws and the other church where they are trying to destroy everything that has stood for over two thousand years and make the Church into mans image not Gods image.

Tragically, many in the priesthood regardless of rank and many of the laity have fallen for the church of the father of lies and they want to destroy those of us who haven’t and refuse to. Only by the grace of God that is.

For myself, I’m confused. I have not lost my faith in the Lord. I have however lost my trust in the men who run our Church. They can not be trusted and worse yet, you don’t know who to trust. Every day for the last twenty four months more and more keeps coming out about more corruption on levels I can’t even process. This has I must admit dimmed my light. I understand that all of this must come to the forefront if it is to be destroyed, and we must always hope in the Lord no matter what but I can’t say I have not been discouraged because I have. 

For me, this massive, massive crisis in the Church (Cdl. Wherl reference) has my heart torn apart. It’s killing me and it’s killing me because I love the Catholic Faith so much. Then there is the Mass. Up until fifty years ago we had the Latin Mass which is the Mass of the Ages. That has been stolen from us, they, those who are trying to destroy the Church from within have stolen the beauty of our Faith, the Ancient Traditions. They have raped the bride of Christ, stripped her and are very close to leaving an empty shell. 

I know in the my heart the Latin Mass is the right Mass. It is, the Mass of the Ages. I have only attended the Novus Ordo Mass because I was born after Vatican II but I am having more than a hard time attending this Mass anymore. I know it isn’t right. At the same time, I do not want to stay away because to stay away from the only Mass I have in my area would be to stay away from the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament which to me is life itself. 

Over the last few months I have found myself giving into laziness and the things of this world. Putting them above God. Such as social media, watching, TV or working on a hobby instead of reading Scripture, praying, going to Mass, Confession etc. I am becoming like the rest of the world. Luke warm, maybe even cold? I do not want it to be this way. 

So you see, I am hurt and I am confused. If you have read this post thank you. I am sure this will not be interesting to many if anyone at all but on the slim chance you did read it, please pray for me. I need all the help I can get at the moment. 


Rough Day


This morning we had to take Toby, one of our six dogs to the vet. He has some sort of skin allergy that seems to pop up each year for the last three.I really didn’t want to go there this morning because if you read my last post, my sweet baby girl was an employee of my vet and I just wasn’t ready to face anyone there or the office but, Toby needed to be seen and I knew I wanted to be there for him because as much as I love my husband when it comes to medical terms be it human or animal he can confuse things pretty quickly.

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