Life Is Hard – Where Have I Been?

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I know I’ve been MIA for a while but, life just seems to keep throwing it at me. I don’t know why, I’ve stopped trying to figure out why. Most days I can “go with it” but then, there are times in life where you’re stopped in your tracks and you have to learn to catch your breath again. That’s where I am right now. Trying to catch my breath again.

Last month a woman that I was very good friends with passed away unexpectedly in her sleep, on my ……birthday… That threw me way off. It was just so shocking. It still seems unreal to me and I miss her.

I began to accept that death is part of life and eventually we have to move forward. Welcome, May. I have been struggling with my faith for a while now. Many go through this from time to time. Some of our greatest saints had “dark nights of the soul” that would last years. While it bothered me very much I also took some comfort in knowing I was not alone in this. I made an appointment for May 4th to meet with my priest. I wanted to talk to him and have a long confession. That morning I felt very nervous which was highly unusual for me. I never get nervous going to confession. The more I questioned why I felt so jittery the less answers I had. I knew it wasn’t because I was meeting with my priest. He is a kind, holy, humble man. Nothing to be afraid of there.

We met for about an hour. It was a good meeting, a good confession and I came out feeling better about my soul and spiritual life but still, I couldn’t shake that damn jittery feeling. All day long I kept asking myself, “what is wring with you? What’s the matter with you?” I was getting very inpatient with myself. This “feeling” was becoming annoying.

Saturday evening.  I sign onto Facebook which I hadn’t been on in about two days and there it was. The answer to my jitters. Something I would have never expected, something that literally broke my heart into millions of pieces and shook me to my core.

There’s a young lady that I have become friends with over the last three years. We became very close and eventually it flourished into a friendship where I loved her as my very own. She would ask me all the time, “Are you sure we’re not related”? Or, “are you sure you’re not my mom?” and my answer to her was always, “If I had a choice to pick out a child I would have picked you.”

This post on Facebook from her employer who happens to also be my vet of fifteen years said, ” it is with a heavy heart that we tell you we have lost Kristie Drewes to a tragic accident. I had to read it twice, my stomach turned and my heart shattered.

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This is my “Kristie”. I always called her “sweet baby girl”.. Kristie was on the back of her long time boyfriends motorcycle in Myrtle Beach on Friday when a man whom I am told was drunk ran a stop sign and T-boned the biked killing Kristie and Nick instantly, hitting another car killing that driver as well and leaving a two year old in critical condition. The driver was alive.

Kristie was only twenty four. She has a five year old son named Ryan. Her life has been snuffed out, stolen. There is so much I can say about Kristie and maybe at another time I will but this was hard enough to write. My soul grieves deeply right now. The tears come in waves.

Sadly, the day of the services for her I was home in bed sick as a dog where I remain still today. Too sick to go anywhere or see anyone. Basically I have been numb, and in pain. Not so much physical pain as I am in emotional pain. My soul cries along with my eyes right now and I don’t know how long that will last. So for now, I have pretty much crawled inside of myself and getting so sick was like the proverbial cherry on top.

I hope to come back to social media soon but, we will see.

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2 thoughts on “Life Is Hard – Where Have I Been?

  1. Robin, I’m so very sorry. She is so beautiful. Things like this just make no sense. I struggle too, not understanding why there is so much suffering in this world. Even with doubts, I still pray and will pray for you. I hope you are able to find strength and comfort, and that you will be healed physically too. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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