Accountability Sucks

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Yes, yes it does but, it’s finally here. For me anyway.. I’m about to share something with you all that not many people know. It makes me very vulnerable but, I feel if maybe I write about it, it will help me.

Do you know any emotional spenders? Are you an emotional spender? Yes, that’s me sitting quietly in the back of the room with my hands waving in the air like a nitwit. I am a horrible emotional spender. It began for me when my mom passed away in 1999. Since then, I’ve been out of control with spending. Now mind you, we do not and never have had much money to spend but hey, what’s another credit card balance right? Meanwhile, I have priorities like health, home, etc that keep getting put by the way side because of my ’emotional spending’.

I will tell you the reasons why I’ve done this recently, yet again and no I am not using them as an excuse but they are simply the truth. Once again, I’ve gotten myself in trouble with credit cards due to emotions such as depression and anxiety. And what causes those for me? My husband has some serious health issue’s with his heart now in addition to his spine which I am afraid in a few years he may end up in a wheelchair if, his heart allows him to get there. So right there that is a HUGE anxiety producer for me like, every…..single….day.. I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on my shoulders.

Then there is my own health. I have had health issue’s going back to my early twenties and more recently (like a yr ago) I’ve been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and just this past month  I had to have two skin biopsies on the back of my leg. One by my M.D. and one by a surgeon.  Both biopsies came back as a “pre-cancerous malignant squamous cell skin cancer”.. Yes, I was feeling the pressure, anxiety and fear very heavily. As of today I just made an appointment with a dermatologist  I will see in May because I have marks, they look like beauty marks all over me (I’m hoping they are age spots and nothing more) and to be perfectly honest with you, I’m a little freaked out now. I want to have them looked at.

In February, I came damn near closed to losing my husband to bi-lateral pneumonia from the flu complicated by congestive heart failure. He was on a breathing ventilator in ICU then in a step down room for seven days. We are now in April and his lung capacity still isn’t good and he’s still dealing with shortness of breath here and there on top of the edema he deals with every day in his feet, ankles calves and sometimes belly. Just this past week he was diagnosed with sleep apnea to add to this list and we are awaiting the fitting for his CPAP machine.

Last week, I was shocked to learn in the very early morning hours a woman I loved very much who had been battling the flu for two weeks suddenly died in her sleep and yes, that threw me for a good loop. I still can’t think about it much. More anxiety.

Since almost losing my husband in February for the second time in eighteen months I have not felt well. I am constantly tired and each day when I wake, I pray the Lord to give me the strength to get out of bed and take care of my husband, my home, my dogs, our needs and I can tell you, it is more than a struggle to get up every morning because my body feels like that of an eighty-eight year old instead of a forty-eight year old.

So I admit it..Between March & April I took our credit cards that were paid off and I spent and I spent and I spent . As of that was going to make ANY of this better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down this road. And it is a road. It’s a road  you run to in order to run away from everything you can no longer handle emotionally.          Am I ever going to learn? I am beginning to.

As of tonight, I am staring at a mountain of debt on a fixed income and I have realized that this is all my fault. Not only have I put us so behind financially, what’s worse is, I have taken the gift that God has given us and once again abused it. Yes, money is a gift from God I don’t care where you get it from or how you make it. It’s a gift that many don’t have.

I sat down earlier, I opened up my planner (yes I have one, always have. It’s very simple and functional) on each page of my weekly spread at the top I wrote, “Money is a gift from God, use it wisely.” That’s so I can see it every day because if I do I won’t abuse it. Why? Because even though our needs are extremely important to me, the fact that I have offended my God who loves me so much hurts even more.

Next, in the back of my planner I listed all credit accounts and their current balances. It was enough to make me want to vomit. I will look at this each and every time I get some stupid idea in my head to want to buy something I truly do not need.

I think, by the grace of God I am FINALLY at forty-eight taking accountability for myself and my actions. Hey, some of us learn late, I’m just grateful to God that I am learning. Please pray for us.

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