What If It’s Not?

mothers-day-is-hard

Hi everyone, 

In my last post, if you missed it you can read it here , I told you I would explain why I did not make a post for Mothers Day like the gazillion other bloggers did. Well simply put, Mothers Day isn’t the easiest day for me. Happy Mothers Day but, what if it’s not? I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer back in 1999 and while I understand that was for what most of you will think “a long time ago” for me, it was almost yesterday. I have lost both my parents beginning with my dad when I was only nine years of age. That right there taught me a skill that’s probably one of the worst coping mechanisms which is to ‘shove it down’. It probably doesn’t help things but it’s the only way I know how to deal. 

Having lost my dad when I was so young, the rest of my life until I was twenty-nine it was always my mom. She was my mom, my best friend, my champion, my caregiver when I got sick , my cheerleader when I wanted to give up, my safe haven in the storms of my life which for the most part were usually self inflicted. She was in every way my hero. When she passed a huge part of myself went with her and it’s something I haven’t been able to get back. 

I know that I should lean on my faith and I do but maybe I just don’t have enough faith, maybe I just don’t trust enough, maybe I am just not as advanced in my faith as others are because I still struggle with the loss of her presence. I don’t think I ever even grieved properly that is, if there is a proper way. I have never allowed myself to delve deep into my mind or to cry deeply for fear if I did that  I’d never come out and I’d never stop. So I do what I only know how to. I ‘shove it down’.

Do I think of my mom? Almost every day. I still miss her every day and I still need her more than I ever thought I would at this age but I don’t allow myself to think too long or too deep. I just can’t yet. Maybe I never will. That’s going to be up to God and me to ask Him for help with that. However, I do sincerely hope that those of you who are moms either to two legged children or four, those who still have their moms did have a wonderful Mothers Day. I do remember when I used too and I remember how good it felt. 

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