So last night I kind of had a smallish mental break. I have a lot of new readers so for their sake I will give a quick background. I am 47 years old, I have been sick with what was diagnosed as Lyme Disease and two other tick infections when I was Twenty One and again at Twenty Four and Twenty Eight. Treatment was never a huge success for me. Fast forward to the present day. In the last two years I have been presenting with symptom of Rhuematoid Arthritis. Last week I went to see yet another new doctor, a new rhuematologist. It was a long but confusing appointment and one where I thought they were going to drain every ounce of blood out of me that I had. Long story short, the blood work came back and what should be there according to the symptoms I am presenting and what evidence was seen on the sonogram that was performed, was not there. So basically, it’s Twenty six years later after original diagnosis and I am still left with unknowns, unanswered questions and hit yet another brick wall which has happened throughout the past twenty six years.
So last night I started thinking and well, talking with God because none of the above makes any sense to me. It didn’t then and it doesn’t now. Suddenly something came to mind and I know there are those who will completely not understand where I am coming from with this but that’s Okay.
I am wondering if God is calling me to be one of the “suffering souls” in the world. They do exist. Sometimes, God will call people to suffer and offer that suffering to Him for the good of others and I am wondering if that is what He is calling me to do. It’s the ONLY thing that makes sense. I have been on a journey for the last two years trying to figure out what God wants from me. We all have a purpose. The things I have learned so far is, I never will be another St. Teresa of Calcutta, or a Mother Angelica. I will not make a big impact in this world because I am not meant too. This I know… What I also know for sure in my heart is that I am meant to be the wife I am. To love and care for my husband and the animals God has entrusted to me. I am to be the Aunt, Sister and Friend that I am and I am to be these things as best as I can be. All of this I am absolutely and completely sure of but there was always something else missing. Like that’s only half of what Gods will is for me. There’s always been something missing until………now..
I have to admit I have been struggling in my prayer life for about a year. As Jesus said in Scripture, “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”. That’s been me for the last year but what my strong point is in prayer and this is thanks to God because He gives this to me is, my ability to pray for others. To pray for souls (people) who are lost in this world. People who are in pain, any kind of pain be it physical, mental or spiritual. For the souls of those who have passed from this life. My own soul bursts with desire to pray for these and so last night, I think, through Gods help and mercy I found what has been missing. I believe, I feel (physically feel) in my heart that the Lord is calling me to suffer in this life for others. I believe this is His will for me and I am alright with that. I truly am. I believe I am supposed to stop asking why, or what, or how and accept what is. Be grateful for what I have left, completely empty myself of everything and give myself as much as is possible to the Lord and allow him to mold me.
I know for some reading this you will no doubt think I have flipped my cracker but truly what I have described above is something I have longed for, for a very long time. I actually wanted to become a Sister and join a cloister but I am not supposed to do that. That there is what my will wanted but that, I know for sure is not what God wants from me or He would have put me there. I think God is giving me what I want in the form of the way He wants it and I truly am alright with this.. I am to make my own cloister in my heart for Him and for souls….