An Unexpected Tree with Roots

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Hi everyone,

I know I have been putting up a lot of beauty review posts as of late and thats because beauty, makeup etc. are one of my passions but today I had some thoughts I wanted to post about. For the benefit of any new readers I will recap briefly. I am originally from New Jersey and have been living in South Carolina for the last twelve years. The decision to move here was one that at the time I was not…….shall we say, very emotionally involved in. My mom who was my best friend my entire life had just passed away and I was down the proverbial rabbit hole for a very long time and it was pretty dark down there….At the time we moved, you probably could have said we were moving to Russia and I wouldn’t have batted an eye..

We arrived in South Carolina on what would have been my moms birthday in 2002. It took me some years, more like six to finally climb out of the grief induced coma I’d been in. When I did wake up I realized that during these dark years there had been some pretty bad financial blunders made. Some our fault some not our fault but the end result was anything we had of value was sold, we had a law suit in which our lawyer told us for more than four years we were destined to come out with at least thirty thousand dollars when in reality it was approx. sixteen thousand dollars and all that did was get us out of debt the first time. Yep, I said first time. There would be more debt to come due to the fact that while I was no long asleep in my grief I was now running from it and what better way to do that then to become a shopaholic. You can probably imagine how that went.

I then spent the next five years hating everything about where I lived. I hated the heat in the summer which lasts much longer than in NJ, I hated the fact that we didn’t really have any friends due to our physical issue’s , they didn’t make it possible to do much socializing, I hated that I couldn’t seem to find any doctors down here that understood my medical condition and all it’s problems nor were any interested in learning how to help me, I hated that I had no family here, I hated that I had no money nor the good health to travel back home if I wanted too. I hated my house, I hated everything.. I spent many days and nights just sobbing because all I wanted to do was go back home but we had no money, no credit and after the economic crash of 2008 our home was approximately 70K underwater and looked as if it would always be underwater. All I did was complain and cry that “I wanted to go home”

Finally somewhere mid 2013 after much,much prayer the Lord answered me and I suddenly felt peace at my surroundings. I learned to accept the fact that if I couldn’t change them I should learn to find some kind of happiness in them because afterall we’re stuck here until who knows when and walking around sad, angry and depressed didn’t work out too well all these years. So I bean to engage more in my life here.  Well in October 2013 I thought I would give it one more go trying to find a way or ways to move back North near my family, better medical care etc. I began placing ads on CraigsList posting that we were looking for a home to rent long term, what we needed and wanted etc. To my shock I actually got responses. I say I was shocked because we have six dogs and most landlords, the moment they hear you have more than one pet they say no. I was getting many inquiries from home owners who would rent to ‘all’ of us. It seemed God had finally opened a door for us. Over the last five months we’ve come close to renting a few nice places but those deals fell through at the last minute. We are currently set to sign a lease on a home back up North but I don’t want to give to much more information for fear of jinxing it.

Now that moving back home “has” become a reality, an even bigger reality has hit me over the last month. This place I’ve hated for eleven and a half years, this place I couldn’t wait to get away from, suddenly I took a good look around and realized, somehow we had planted a tree here and it even has some small roots.  We have a few good friends that I can count on one hand but as I always say, quality over quantity, I have a doctor who although doesn’t know what on earth to do with me does try and help best he can and I like him, we have a great doctor /patient relationship. I love our dogs vet. Very good doctor, very nice Christian man, we have a wonderful church congregation, our Priests and deacon have become like family to us. They are always there to help if we need it and there’s nothing myself or my husband wouldn’t do for them. Everything here has become dare I say it, “normal” to me. I have my routine stores I go to etc. So this place I hated has now become a place that I shall actually…………miss.. Still shocks me to realize I even feel that way.. I will miss our friends, it’s going to break my heart to say goodbye to them and to our priests and deacon at church, our vet too.

After realizing all this I know we could just stay right where we are but the truth is what is missing in my life and can never be replaced by anyone or anything aside from needing better medical care is…. my family.. We are small. It’s just my brother and I, his wife and their three children who are no longer children. All in their 20’s and one is about to become a father himself but they have been like my own children since the day they were born. So as much as I will miss certain things about living here in South Carolina and definitely the people whom I call friend, the need to be near my family is much stronger pull on my heart than anything else.

So in a few months I will say goodbye to those I love here, take them with me in my heart and move on to a different life, yet again, but one that will include my family again…

Sometimes a tree puts down roots and grows but, we don’t see it until we walk head long into it..

2 thoughts on “An Unexpected Tree with Roots

  1. Grief can work a number on us; no one understands until they’ve experienced full blown grief. After Dave died, I heard, “Well, it’s been six months, don’t you think it’s time to get over it?” What I got over was that particular person, a self proclaimed witch. I no longer visit her blog and haven’t missed her yet. Grief isn’t an excuse but when I hear someone made such and such a mistake, in the midst of grief’s despondency, I have a better understanding of “why”. I only wish some certain others had been as gentle with me but, eventually, they’ll understand. Death comes to all of us, eventually; it’s always a matter of when, not if.
    Robyn, counting blessings always helps me. Even in the darkest days, when I wanted to end my life, there were always God’s blessings surrounding me. Only He kept, keeps, me alive. In I Peter we’re told, “cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.” God has never said, “Sandra, I’m busy, can you come back later?” He’s always available, He always hears, and, in His time, He always responds.
    God speed upon the next portion of your journey, here on earth.

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