Rough Day

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This morning we had to take Toby, one of our six dogs to the vet. He has some sort of skin allergy that seems to pop up each year for the last three. I really didn’t want to go there this morning because if you read my last post, my sweet baby girl was an employee of my vet and I just wasn’t ready to face anyone there or the office but, Toby needed to be seen and I knew I wanted to be there for him because as much as I love my husband when it comes to medical terms be it human or animal he can confuse things pretty quickly.

When we arrived I have to admit I had the internal jitters and all I kept thinking was, “please don’t let me see anyone that was also close to Kristie, I’m not ready to deal with it yet”.. I took a deep breath and we walked in. The lobby was empty except for one woman and her cat and there was a girl behind the reception area that I didn’t know. I was thankful. And then I happened to turn around……… There on the counter was a huge 8×10 of my Kristie, along with a burning candle on one side and fresh flowers on the other. This photo to be exact…

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It sort of sent a jolt through me because I wasn’t expecting it and I tried very hard to hold it in. That lasted all of maybe three seconds and the flood gates opened up. The girl behind the counter gave me some tissue’s, she didn’t ask what was wrong, I guess maybe she knew and I finally said to my husband I need to get out of here call me when they call Toby in. I walked outside for a few minutes to take some deep breaths and stop the tears. I wanted to stay out there but it’s gotten hot here in the South compiled with the humidity and trust me, the last thing your body wants is to stay outside.

Once I was able to get myself together I went back in and took a seat in the lobby and my brain just kind of felt like it became numb. I felt very tired, very worn. We sat there for what seemed like forever. It was a long wait which is unusual.  Once in the exam room I was a okay but just felt drained emotionally. The doctor finally came in and we got Toby all taken care of and I thought I was going to escape anymore tears, in the office anyway and then she said, “Kristie”.. That was it. The tears just ran down my face. There wasn’t even a pause it was like someone just flipped a switch real quick and there they were.

I couldn’t speak much, my husband did the talking and finally I said, I have to go.. She was very understanding, I paid the bill and we left… I talked to Jesus tonight and told Him I am sad. My heart truly understands what the word “sad” means and I don’t want to be sad anymore..

Hopefully soon, some of this will lift. In the meantime I am trying to be patient with myself. Easier said than done.

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Life Is Hard – Where Have I Been?

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I know I’ve been MIA for a while but, life just seems to keep throwing it at me. I don’t know why, I’ve stopped trying to figure out why. Most days I can “go with it” but then, there are times in life where you’re stopped in your tracks and you have to learn to catch your breath again. That’s where I am right now. Trying to catch my breath again.

Last month a woman that I was very good friends with passed away unexpectedly in her sleep, on my ……birthday… That threw me way off. It was just so shocking. It still seems unreal to me and I miss her.

I began to accept that death is part of life and eventually we have to move forward. Welcome, May. I have been struggling with my faith for a while now. Many go through this from time to time. Some of our greatest saints had “dark nights of the soul” that would last years. While it bothered me very much I also took some comfort in knowing I was not alone in this. I made an appointment for May 4th to meet with my priest. I wanted to talk to him and have a long confession. That morning I felt very nervous which was highly unusual for me. I never get nervous going to confession. The more I questioned why I felt so jittery the less answers I had. I knew it wasn’t because I was meeting with my priest. He is a kind, holy, humble man. Nothing to be afraid of there.

We met for about an hour. It was a good meeting, a good confession and I came out feeling better about my soul and spiritual life but still, I couldn’t shake that damn jittery feeling. All day long I kept asking myself, “what is wring with you? What’s the matter with you?” I was getting very inpatient with myself. This “feeling” was becoming annoying.

Saturday evening.  I sign onto Facebook which I hadn’t been on in about two days and there it was. The answer to my jitters. Something I would have never expected, something that literally broke my heart into millions of pieces and shook me to my core.

There’s a young lady that I have become friends with over the last three years. We became very close and eventually it flourished into a friendship where I loved her as my very own. She would ask me all the time, “Are you sure we’re not related”? Or, “are you sure you’re not my mom?” and my answer to her was always, “If I had a choice to pick out a child I would have picked you.”

This post on Facebook from her employer who happens to also be my vet of fifteen years said, ” it is with a heavy heart that we tell you we have lost Kristie Drewes to a tragic accident. I had to read it twice, my stomach turned and my heart shattered.

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This is my “Kristie”. I always called her “sweet baby girl”.. Kristie was on the back of her long time boyfriends motorcycle in Myrtle Beach on Friday when a man whom I am told was drunk ran a stop sign and T-boned the biked killing Kristie and Nick instantly, hitting another car killing that driver as well and leaving a two year old in critical condition. The driver was alive.

Kristie was only twenty four. She has a five year old son named Ryan. Her life has been snuffed out, stolen. There is so much I can say about Kristie and maybe at another time I will but this was hard enough to write. My soul grieves deeply right now. The tears come in waves.

Sadly, the day of the services for her I was home in bed sick as a dog where I remain still today. Too sick to go anywhere or see anyone. Basically I have been numb, and in pain. Not so much physical pain as I am in emotional pain. My soul cries along with my eyes right now and I don’t know how long that will last. So for now, I have pretty much crawled inside of myself and getting so sick was like the proverbial cherry on top.

I hope to come back to social media soon but, we will see.

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Health Update

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Hello again friends,

In this post I am bringing you my promised health update. I try to make my posts short and to the point but sometimes they can be a tad long so I hope you’ll grab your favorite drink, settle in and have a read.

Gosh I’m not even sure where to begin.. Okay, most of you know that I almost lost my husband back in February to bi-lateral pneumonia. For those who don’t know I will explain in my next post.  Since then I have not felt very well physically. I do have chronic illness and I understand what stress can do to a person dealing with chronic conditions and maybe that is why I have not felt real well, maybe my conditions are just flaring because of all the added emotional and physical stress since then. Whatever the cause the bottom line is, I do not fell well. Most days I give it the good old college try but I am finding over the last few months I am having days where I simply just can not push anymore and I end up either staying in bed or on the couch all day. This is the basic reason for my lack of social media interaction.

In late March I was diagnosed with a malignant squamous cell skin cancer on the back of my leg. Yep, it freaked me out. . Me! Who NEVER sucks up the sun. Me! Who is always STARK white in the summer to the point I could blind you. Yep, skin cancer. I had too have two biopsies, the initial one with my primary care doctor and the second one with a surgeon. Thankfully and most gratefully all of it was cut off and it had not spread to any surrounding tissue. I was a little taken aback by how long it took the area that had to be cut out to heal. The skin is just now where it’s not dry anymore and I can actually touch it and sit down without it hurting. However, I was told that I will have to keep an eye on myself because once you have one of these types another one can come along again.

In light of that, I have made an appointment with a dermatologist in May. I have marks all over me that ‘look’ like beauty marks. Honestly, I am praying they are all just age spots, you know, “liver spots” even though I’m only forty-eight (maybe my skin doesn’t know my age) but I am also a bit freaked out by what had just happened and I want to get them all looked at.

So to sum it all up as best I can, lately I have been just very tired. Much more than usual, my digestive system has really been causing more pain then usual, my RA also seems to be causing me more pain as usual. I am trying to get what good nutrition in me that I can and I am trying to get enough sleep but, the last few months it just feels like it’s never enough sleep.

If you’re a praying person would you be so kind to keep me in your prayers? I’d appreciate that..

Until my next update…

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Social Media Update

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Hi friends,

If you follow my Facebook Page  I told you a few days ago I would put up a new post with updates and, here we are. It may be a long one so relax, grab something to drink or eat and read on…

Where have I been? Why no YouTube videos? It’s a simple two word answer, no desire. I know my health is playing a huge part in that but let me tell you about a comment I received last week on of all videos, the one where I announced the passing of my dear friend. A comment was left that I was exploiting “this woman’s” death (not sure how you get that) and that I was a “crack whore” (not sure where that came from either.) they also associated me with a woman who used to make videos and from my knowledge has since moved on from YouTube and social media. I had talked to this woman in the past but nothing serious and there really was no ‘friendship’.  More just occasional acquaintances and honestly, I don’t even know whatever happened to this person. Also very nasty remarks about my appearance etc.

I have a thick skin, you need to on social media especially YouTube. I just deleted the comment and prayed for this person. It’s obvious they have some deep seeded issue’s and it was me they decided to lash out at. Hopefully they will get the help they need and stop trying to hurt others.

I digress. I will tell you it was then and there I thought maybe I have had enough of YouTube. Reason being, not so much what this person said to me rather that I don’t have time for that in my life. My life is so complicated between my husbands health issue’s, my own, caring for him, my home, my dogs, my family, friends and trying when I can to care for myself do I honestly need to put up with people and comments like that? No, no I don’t. I do not have time for things like that and I refuse to make room in my life or my head for comments and people like that. Sadly, YouTube is rampant with people of this sort.

So for those who may be waiting for a new video from me, I apologize but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I will be here on my blog though sharing all that I would have shared on YouTube and if you really want to stay with me then follow this blog and join my Facebook page for all the latest posts, news, updates etc.

This post is more lengthy than I thought when I started out so I think I will break up all the updates I have for you into a couple different posts….

Have any of my readers left YouTube or another Social media site because they just don’t want to deal with the negativity? Leave a comment below I’d like to read your story..

Until next time…

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Accountability Sucks

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Yes, yes it does but, it’s finally here. For me anyway.. I’m about to share something with you all that not many people know. It makes me very vulnerable but, I feel if maybe I write about it, it will help me.

Do you know any emotional spenders? Are you an emotional spender? Yes, that’s me sitting quietly in the back of the room with my hands waving in the air like a nitwit. I am a horrible emotional spender. It began for me when my mom passed away in 1999. Since then, I’ve been out of control with spending. Now mind you, we do not and never have had much money to spend but hey, what’s another credit card balance right? Meanwhile, I have priorities like health, home, etc that keep getting put by the way side because of my ’emotional spending’.

I will tell you the reasons why I’ve done this recently, yet again and no I am not using them as an excuse but they are simply the truth. Once again, I’ve gotten myself in trouble with credit cards due to emotions such as depression and anxiety. And what causes those for me? My husband has some serious health issue’s with his heart now in addition to his spine which I am afraid in a few years he may end up in a wheelchair if, his heart allows him to get there. So right there that is a HUGE anxiety producer for me like, every…..single….day.. I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on my shoulders.

Then there is my own health. I have had health issue’s going back to my early twenties and more recently (like a yr ago) I’ve been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and just this past month  I had to have two skin biopsies on the back of my leg. One by my M.D. and one by a surgeon.  Both biopsies came back as a “pre-cancerous malignant squamous cell skin cancer”.. Yes, I was feeling the pressure, anxiety and fear very heavily. As of today I just made an appointment with a dermatologist  I will see in May because I have marks, they look like beauty marks all over me (I’m hoping they are age spots and nothing more) and to be perfectly honest with you, I’m a little freaked out now. I want to have them looked at.

In February, I came damn near closed to losing my husband to bi-lateral pneumonia from the flu complicated by congestive heart failure. He was on a breathing ventilator in ICU then in a step down room for seven days. We are now in April and his lung capacity still isn’t good and he’s still dealing with shortness of breath here and there on top of the edema he deals with every day in his feet, ankles calves and sometimes belly. Just this past week he was diagnosed with sleep apnea to add to this list and we are awaiting the fitting for his CPAP machine.

Last week, I was shocked to learn in the very early morning hours a woman I loved very much who had been battling the flu for two weeks suddenly died in her sleep and yes, that threw me for a good loop. I still can’t think about it much. More anxiety.

Since almost losing my husband in February for the second time in eighteen months I have not felt well. I am constantly tired and each day when I wake, I pray the Lord to give me the strength to get out of bed and take care of my husband, my home, my dogs, our needs and I can tell you, it is more than a struggle to get up every morning because my body feels like that of an eighty-eight year old instead of a forty-eight year old.

So I admit it..Between March & April I took our credit cards that were paid off and I spent and I spent and I spent . As of that was going to make ANY of this better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down this road. And it is a road. It’s a road  you run to in order to run away from everything you can no longer handle emotionally.          Am I ever going to learn? I am beginning to.

As of tonight, I am staring at a mountain of debt on a fixed income and I have realized that this is all my fault. Not only have I put us so behind financially, what’s worse is, I have taken the gift that God has given us and once again abused it. Yes, money is a gift from God I don’t care where you get it from or how you make it. It’s a gift that many don’t have.

I sat down earlier, I opened up my planner (yes I have one, always have. It’s very simple and functional) on each page of my weekly spread at the top I wrote, “Money is a gift from God, use it wisely.” That’s so I can see it every day because if I do I won’t abuse it. Why? Because even though our needs are extremely important to me, the fact that I have offended my God who loves me so much hurts even more.

Next, in the back of my planner I listed all credit accounts and their current balances. It was enough to make me want to vomit. I will look at this each and every time I get some stupid idea in my head to want to buy something I truly do not need.

I think, by the grace of God I am FINALLY at forty-eight taking accountability for myself and my actions. Hey, some of us learn late, I’m just grateful to God that I am learning. Please pray for us.

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